A. Most likely…
Q. What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control?
A. A misconception.
Q. Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
A. Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A. Childbirth.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
Q. Does pregnancy affect a woman’s memory?
A. I don’t remember.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. ‘Cause you’re fatter then they are.
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. What’s the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman?
A. Sit on him.
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q. I’m modest. Once I’m in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only–doctors, nurses, orderlies, florists, cleaning crews, etc.
Q. What are forceps?
A. Giant baby tweezers.
Q. Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A. When it’s a girl.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Q. Nannies aren’t cheap are they?
A. Not usually, but occasionally you’ll find a floozy.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she’s pregnant again.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.